No Walk of Shame
by CeliaEquus
Summary: Based on a Kink Meme prompt. Tony catches Phil about to sneak out of the Avengers Mansion, and draws certain conclusions which, while close, are not exactly right, as he's about to learn... And Tony is very tired. Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers, or any other Marvel thingummies, nor am I making money from this.


"No Walk of Shame"

Tony was accustomed to the tower being less quiet than it used to be when he trudged through after late-night engineering. Well, okay. Early morning engineering. So what if it was… uh… was that four-thirty or five-thirty? Ah. It was five-thirty-three. ("Thank you, JARVIS.") He shuffled into the kitchen, blinking against the bright light.

"Dawn yet?" he mumbled, and he yawned.

"Not quite, Mr. Stark."

"…Agent?"

Phil Coulson smirked at him from behind a cup of what smelled like coffee. It made Tony's stomach rumble. Or gurgle. He didn't know whether it was good or bad. If the smell was good, then he wasn't too tired. If the smell was bad, then he was either way more tired than he thought, or he was pregnant.

…Nope. He couldn't tell.

"What're you doing here?" Tony asked, sliding onto the opposite bar stool. He grinned sleepily, taking in the fully-dressed agent. "Surely you're not doing the walk of shame?"

Phil raised an eyebrow. "What gives you that idea, Mr. Stark?"

"Aha!" Tony pointed so vehemently that he nearly fell off the stool. "I knew it! No one knows the look of I-just-had-a-wild-night as well as I do. And now you're sneaking out." This time, his point was much more sedate, leaning forward on one elbow. He could smell the coffee now. It was B. Bad smell. He was too tired, then. If Pepper had somehow gotten him pregnant, he was swearing off sex forever.

"It may interest you to know," Phil said, straightening his already-straight tie, "that I am not doing the 'walk of shame'. I just go to work this early." His lips twitched at the corner again. Another smirk. "I've already said my good morning. Twice. And it was a very good 'good morning'."

"TMI," Tony groaned. "JARVIS? I need fuel."

"With sugar, sir?"

"Guh… No. No coffee. No sugar. Just… I don't know."

"Tea, sir?"

Tony nodded. "Yeah." His eyes narrowed as Phil stood up and folded his newspaper neatly. "So, when did this start?"

"A few months ago," the agent replied casually.

"Ooh. Maybe you should move in together?"

"I have, Mr. Stark. I've been living here for five weeks. You just didn't notice. Genius, my ass," he added in a mutter. Tony couldn't help feeling offended.

"Rude," he said. "JARVIS? You're a lifesaver." He made grabby hands as he walked, almost zombie-style, to the mug of tea. Was there honey in it? Bah. Who cares? He just needed something… well, something. "Who is it?"

"Are you addressing me, sir?"

"No, I'm talking to Agent. Agent?" Tony swung around, and caught Phil sneaking out the door. "Hold it! Who've you shacked up with? As the owner of this tower, I have a right to know whose illicit affair is taking place under my very roof."

"There's nothing illicit about it," Phil replied, opening the door.

"You mean you're not with Natasha? Or Clint?" Phil shook his head, smirking _again_. "Then who is it?"

Phil chuckled. "Do you really think I'm going to tell you, when I can just wait for you work it out?"

Tony moaned, and leaned against the counter. "Agent, I just wanna know. Does everyone else know?"

"Yes."

"Then… then it's not good for team whatever if I'm not clued in!"

He sighed. "How long will you keep this up?"

"I'll get JARVIS to detain you all day if I have to."

"Okay." Phil shrugged. "It's your science buddy."

It took several seconds for it to register in Tony's bazillion-point IQ brain.

"Bruce?" he said, incredulous. "You're with Bruce? My Bruce?"

"Actually, I'm Phil's Bruce."

Tony nearly fell over as he swung around again to stare at his 'science buddy'.

"You're sleeping with Agent?" he said.

"More than just sleeping," Phil said. Tony felt ill.

"He means that we're dating," Bruce said. Phil snickered this time.

"Of course that's what I meant," he said.

Tony suspected that he was lying. But the agent's face was neutral within nano-seconds, giving nothing away. Not until Bruce spoke.

"See you later, babe," he said, walking over to Phil. They kissed; Tony looked away. Unfortunately, the change of direction his eyes took put Bruce's hand on Phil's ass in his line of vision. He made a kind of choked sound. The two lovers finally broke off their kiss.

"Love you," Phil said sincerely, and he stroked Bruce's cheek. He received another kiss in return.

"Love you, too," Bruce said.

And with that, Phil left, leaving Tony and Bruce (looking way too adoring for this time of day) behind.

And the rest of the Avengers, as they poured in for an early breakfast.

"You guys all knew about them, and you didn't tell me?" he asked, feeling more alive by the end of his tea. Now he felt awake enough to drink coffee. (So he definitely wasn't pregnant. In fact, now he was wondering why he'd even thought of that in the first place. Male pregnancy? Seriously?)

"You keep reminding us that you're a genius, Stark," Clint said, stirring his cereal. "Live up to that claim, yeah?" He snorted. Tony threw an apple at him. Clint caught it without looking and then threw it back, hitting him square on the forehead.

"JARVIS should've told me, then," Tony said, standing closer to Steve so that he'd have some cover.

"I presumed that you were listening when Miss Potts asked about Mr. Coulson moving in, sir."

Tony opened his mouth. Shut it. He had no answer for that one.

"How did it all start?" he asked Bruce, who was now doing the crossword. All the across words had been filled out in one hand; Bruce was doing all the down questions. It was nauseatingly domestic. "Did he make the first move? Or did the Hulk declare his intentions during battle? Because that would've been hi_la_rious." Bruce didn't reply. Silence never bothered Tony, so he continued. "Gotta say, I didn't know you had a competency kink, big guy. And Agent's gotta be a size queen, right? Because unless you've found a way to control the Other Guy during—"

"Shut up, Tony!" Bruce shouted, standing up. The others all got into battle stance, and Tony wondered why he hadn't been blessed with some kind of tact. (Pepper said that kind of thing all the time.)

"Uh…"

"You don't get to ask questions like that about me and Phil," he said. "It hasn't been long, but what we have is great, and it's real, and… and he's just perfect. In general, and for me." He shook his head. "You _will_ leave us alone, is that clear?"

"I just gotta ask…" Bruce's glare, and the others shaking their heads, convinced him to stop. "Uh, never mind."

The scientist settled back on his chair, and the rest of the Avengers relaxed. And then he smiled wickedly.

"_But_, since you asked, we've found that Phil's mere presence is so calming towards the Other Guy that he lets us… have our fun." Natasha snorted; it was just like Clint's. And Bruce's smirk was just like Phil's.

Okay, this was creepy. And he was still tired.

"I am going to bed," Tony said clearly. He glared at his friends. "And if Pepper asks, tell her I don't think I'm pregnant."

"Huh?" Bruce said.

"Uh…" Tony shook his head. Coffee didn't smell as good anymore. He was obviously starting to crash. "Definitely going to bed."

"You know, if your room was on the same floor as ours, you would've known about us a lot earlier."

"Yeah, Tony," Clint said. He grinned. "You would've heard all about it."

"T. M. _I_!" Tony covered his ears and shut his eyes, and nearly ran into the doorframe on the way out.

Just in case, he'd look into having the walls sound-proofed. There were some things a genius billionaire did _not_ need to know.

* * *

**For another prompt. (I'm ashamed, okay?) Apparently I love pairing Phil with many different people; and here I thought Darcy Lewis was supposed to be the fandom's proverbial bicycle? Moving on…**

**The male pregnancy joke was for laughs. No other reason. Tony is clearly delirious from his late night/early morning engineering. Bad Tony. Go to bed.**


End file.
